What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:28
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What’s the saddest thing you’ve seen at your job?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
What is the definite integral of x^x from 0 to 2?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why won't my mom let me come home if I'm homeless?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im still living with it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Are judges being lenient on hard criminals?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
How can a hacker damage me, realistically?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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She was in good health!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it wasn’t much.
So whats the point in blame.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
So, i spoilt her more .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I waited trembling.